Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND ~ I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
98 times you had to get up early to go hunting
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
29 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

When: July 24, 2006 @ 8:39pm
Who: Katelyn Christine Louise
Weight: 6 pounds, 6.5 ounces
Length: 18"
Head: 13"

And a pic:



She's now 2 months old, and (as of yesterday at her first checkup)weighs 11 pounds, 6.2 ounces; is 21.5" long and 15.25" head circumference.

Gemini - Don't get no betta than uz.
Cancer - I fuck like no other!
Leo - Imma G Imma G
Virgo - I LOVE Sex
Libra - I fuck better than you.
Scorpio - I'm sexy as hell
Sagittarius - I'm the best lover!
Taurus - I'm great in bed!
Capricorn - I can have sex all night LONG!
Aquarius - I can make you love me
Pisces - I have great lips to kiss!
Aries - I'm a pimp

I don't have a digicam anymore, so I can't post any pix. And I'm now in a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship, so I don't feel the need to post nude pix anymore. I'm sorry, people... Naughty Nette has retired. I might post sex stories in here when I get the inkling, but otherwise I'm just going to be a ghost for awhile.

In other news... I'm preggers!



If you want to read into my more updated journal, my not-so-naughty LJ is thehippiechick. I have to add you back in order for you to see most of my entries, but yeah.

Due to my ultra-insane life, this journal has been put on hiatus indefinitely. Apologies and thanks in advance for understanding...

~ Naughty Nette

NETTE'S NAUGHTY NIGHTS - STRONG SEXUAL magickal oil. Helps to release inhibitions and attract sexual encounters.

It can be found here if anyone wants to buy me some! ;}

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

***

Three expectant mothers were sitting in the waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."

Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."

The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two turned to her and asked, "What's wrong?"

She wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

***

Mr. Smith was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. After several days of hospitalization, a nurse finally came into his room and stated, "Mr. Smith, I have some bad news and some good news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Mr. Smith solemnly replied, "Well, tell me the bad news first."

The nurse said, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the shit out of you."

( There's more behind the cut! ;} )LOL!!!

If you enjoy toking...

I gots the munchiez... Steamed Veggies w/ Steamed Rice and lots of Sweet & Sour Sauce...

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...